These are common questions for people in marriage counseling and other forms of therapy. As you might expect, there is a wide variation in answers to these questions. With any profession, there is also variation among marital counselors and family therapists in integrity, competence and skill.  So, answers to these questions will also vary depending upon who gives them.

Watch this video for Dr. Paul W. Anderson’s discussion of “What Is Counseling?” and “Marriage Counseling in Kansas City” in particular.

Of course, you may need to check out other sources to help you get clear what you need and can expect when you seek counseling services. Marriage and family counselors, as you would expect, have a unique set of answers to what is counseling and what can you expect to receive from your therapist or life coach. I recommend talking to people you trust, friends and family to see whom they might recommend for counseling and what counseling can do for your relationship.

Other sources include authority sites on the Internet, other professionals such as your minister or physician that you trust or reading material such as journals and books.

Finally, the best way to know about a potential professional you’d like to use for marriage or couples counseling is to interview the therapist you’re considering. Some therapists will provide a free initial session to get acquainted and others are willing to give you their time over the phone.

Ultimately, you and your partner are the ones to decide which counselor, which orientation and whose set of answers to “What Is Counseling?” that will work best for you.

But here’s how I think it works. Families are always “together”. You can’t break up a family. Some say, “Well, a divorce is a family break up! That’s why they call it a ‘broken family’”

Not really. Rather,a divorce is a shift in who, does what, with whom, when, where and how. The family structure may have changed, but it is still a family. They have a history. And in most cases, some or all of the members continue in varying degrees of contact or relationships with each other.

But some one asks: “What if a parent or child abandons or cuts off from the family and is never heard from again?” Sure, that’s a painful loss. But active or not, present or not, that person is still a family member, if only mentioned as the “bad apple” we don’t talk about.

Here’s another way I think these kind of adages can better serve us and our families: they are guidelines to achieve and maintain quality relationships in the family, regardless of it’s configuration. And yes, believe it or not, people in “broken families” can go on and have quality relationships with each other.  It is possible.

So, what adage has guided you and your  family to sustain quality family life? I’d be delighted to hear from you and learn of your success for marriage and family formula.

If you don’t have such a formula that helps to guide your family relationships, good counselors can help give you and your relatives some useful ideas to get started.

Tip: One of the best Success Formulas goes like this: Families who don’t blame each other for their troubles live lives of low level resentment. That is always good for marriage and family life in any configuration or style

Marriage success shows emotional closeness, trust, respect, clear communications and joy.  Couples in marriage want honesty with each other.  When those things are lost in relationship, the stunning truth is that married couples can recover those qualities with the help of a good and realistic marriage counselor. Divorce is not the only option.

Here’s the secret many to happy marriage many counselors overlook: it is not you or your loved one who’s at fault for misery in marriage!  People don’t screw up marriage or significant relationships.  Patterns of thought and interaction you use to do marriage mess things up and rob you of a successful marriage. Those ineffective patterns then lead to troubled marriages.  It starts with myths and other long held, but outdated beliefs, about what makes for solid, enduring coupled life.  Why people doubt themselves and each other when things go wrong instead of the model or ideas they are using to guide their thinking and expectations I will never know.

At one time common “knowledge” held that the earth was flat. This knowledge when used prevented people from sailing to the horizon for fear of falling off.  Some would not even get in boats.  It’s easy to see in this example how the people were not crazy.  It was the ideas they used for guidance that was crazy.

No one is born knowing how to do marriage or intimate relationship.  We learn a way of doing couple life from how the people around us are doing it.  Each culture teaches its people a way of doing marriage and family life.  People are people, but thoughts and patterns do vary.  In turn, depending on which method we use, we get differing results.

If your relationship is struggling, it’s not you and your loved one to blame. The startling truth: it’s the patterns of interaction you’re using that creates the problems, not you guys.  Take heart.  There’s hope because patterns of inaction can change especially with the help of the right coach or counselor.

Two major ways we trip ourselves up and keep heading for divorce courts, generation after generation:

1. Couples who marry are expected to make promises to each other they cannot keep.  At the wedding ceremony many couples believe that if they make a vow about what they want to happen with each other that will make it happen. I suggest they be honest with each other and instead of vows, state their intentions toward each other.
2. No one knows the future but we can pledge to each other that we intend to do the best we can to stay together “in sickness and health…etc, etc.”  They can also add that if they run into trouble during the courses of the relationship, they intent to get some help.

Since we marry nowadays for love and not by arrangement (by parents, match makers, etc.), we believe love is enough to make the relationship work and last.  If the marriage is in trouble it must be because we lost our love for each other.

Making marriage and significant relationships work is no less demanding and difficult than flying a jet airplane or doing brain surgery.  No matter how much a person loves flying or doing surgery, love alone won’t cut it.  Those things take lots of education, training and skill.  So does marriage.

Before you blame or bale on your partner, consider some other possibilities.  Get some counseling or coaching for your relationship.  Learn to use realistic, honest and successful ways of thinking and relating to each other. Use skills based on solid knowledge, not myth and you will have marriage success!

Here is a summary of the purpose of the research on marriage and better health:

“A focus on the most rigorous recent evidence reveals that marriage has positive effects on certain health-related outcomes. These studies find, for example, that marriage improves certain mental health outcomes, reduces the use of some high-cost health services (such as nursing home care), and increases the likelihood of having health insurance coverage. In addition, an emerging literature suggests that growing up with married parents is associated with better health as an adult. Marriage has mixed effects on health behaviors — leading to healthier behaviors in some cases (reduced heavy drinking) and less healthy behaviors in others (weight gain). For other key health outcomes — in particular, measures of specific physical health conditions-the effects of marriage remain largely unaddressed by rigorous research.

“The relationship between marriage and health is complex. Marital status can both affect health outcomes and be affected by them. Healthier people may have a better chance of marrying and staying married because they may be viewed as more desirable marriage partners based on their physical attractiveness, earnings potential, mental well-being, degree of self-sufficiency, or likely longevity. Social scientists describe this pattern as the “selection” of healthy people into marriage. If this is the only reason for the correlation between marriage and health, then marriage is not causing better health. Instead, the observed health differences between married and unmarried people are the result of healthier people being more likely to marry.

“Alternatively, there may be a true causal link between marriage and better health. Marriage could improve health outcomes in a variety of ways. It may result in two incomes, as well as economies of scale, improving economic well-being.⁽²⁾ Having more income could, in turn, improve health outcomes by enhancing access to health care or lowering stress. In addition, a spouse may play an important role in monitoring and encouraging healthy behaviors (such as good eating habits and regular exercise), as well as in discouraging unhealthy ones (such as smoking or heavy drinking).⁽³⁾ Marriage may also provide an emotionally fulfilling, intimate relationship, satisfying the need for social connection, which could have implications for both physical and mental health. Most researchers conclude that the association between marriage and health represents a combination of the selection of healthier people into marriage and true health benefits from marriage.” (excerpted from “The Effects of Marriage on Health: A Synthesis of Recent Research Evidence” by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

This is not to say that marriage guarantees better health.  But is does suggest that as a life style, despite its trails and tribulations, there are health benefits to being in a marriage like relationship.

In my opinion, it is also a good reason to make an effort to stay married when things get tough.  A good counselor can certainly help in this. Give me, Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D., a call at 913-901-9110 and let’s see what can be done to put joy and happiness back into you marriage.  Marriage and better health can live well side by side.

By Bobby Hamilton

I hear a lot of married men complain, “I have an angry wife!” Living with an angry spouse or lover is not much fun. If your wife is angry with you, life can be miserable and of course you want to do something about it. Marriage counseling can help, but first you can take a look at these 5 strategic questions:

Why are you so angry at me?

This is the question many men ask, but it can make things worse. In all likelihood, your wife has already told you what is displeasing her. She gets even more upset when you ask, “Why are you so angry at me?” She may say back to you, “I already told you but you’re not listening and that makes me even more angry!”

What keeps you from listening to what your wife says when you talk with her about her anger?

Men often are “Mr. Fixit’”. If there’s a problem, such as “my wife’s anger at me”, Mr. Fixit will go to work to try to make things better in much the same way he would go about fixing a flat tire or the clogged kitchen sink.

Problem is your wife is not tire or piece of plumbing. She is a living entity with lots of emotion. To fix your wife’s anger problem you may have to shift your thinking about how to fix this problem.

Do you practice active listening skills with your angry wife?

In many cases the answer to this question is, “No.” Our culture does not teach men to actively listen well, especially to someone who is emotional. Active listening does not try to fix the problem the person has, in this case your wife’s anger. Active listening simply directs you to set all other thoughts aside and focus on the person you’re listening to.

Proof that you have been listening is required and that comes when you say back to you wife you’re what you heard her say. It is not enough to say, “I hear you.” You have to prove it to your spouse or partner that indeed you have heard what is upsetting her.

Are you willing to stop defending yourself and justifying your behavior?

If your wife is angry at you and it has something to do with what you’ve done or not done, it will help cool her anger if you simply listen and do not defend yourself. After you’ve heard her out, rather than explaining why you did what you did that upset her, instead you say, “If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way you do.”

Even if you have to write that last sentence down and read it out loud to your angry wife, I guarantee you, some of her heat will dissipate.

When was the last time you romanced your wife and how did you do it?

The old song states, “You don’t bring me flowers anymore.” Guys often think of marriage as an event. They got married and that’s it. From then on they take the relationship for granted and forget that, like a garden, a child, or a pet, marriage is a living entity that must be looked after, cared for and nurtured.

Wives are often angry because they feel taken for granted and overlooked. Bring her flowers, tell her you love her, set up dates and outings with her…. all those things you did to court her in the beginning of your relationship. And you must do these courtship things regularly for the life of the marriage. If not, you run a big risk of her being angry at you for a long time.

Bobby Hamilton coaches people out of despair into success. You can use his ideas to save your marriage or call a good relationship coach.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bobby_Hamilton angry wife.

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I Get What You’re Looking For. (Click to listen)

Marriage and Family Counseling Kansas City and Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. want you to have what it takes to fix up your marriage, including quality marriage counseling, if that’s what you need. Many couple relationships break before they can be fixed. That does not need to happen and can be avoided with solid couples counseling. As with anything of value in life, marriage must be cared for or it deteriorates and eventually dies. A couples relationship is a living entity. Many people who marry approach it like it is only a status in life, a position or title that once conferred, is permanent. Take it from this marriage counselor, that is a deadly myth that can lead to divorce. I’ve worked with many marriages that began dying on their wedding day because of this way of thinking.

Marriage is only as good as the quality of life of its participants. Like the people who marry, if they do not take good care of themselves personally, they die. So too a marriage: neglect it and it will weaken until it evaporates.  There’s a better way and marriage and family therapist, Dr. Anderson, can show you how.

To fix your marriage before it breaks, you start with at least its bare minimum needs that have to be addressed to keep marriage healthy. I summarize the essential needs of relationship or marriage as the “Three T’s” Touch, Talk and Time. Physical touching, the positive feel good kind. Talking about what’s going on with each person to each other, not about third topics like the kids, mother-in-laws or the bills. And of course the Time to do these first two things. And this must be prime, top ranked time that nothing else interrupts.

Oh, and the essential Fourth “T”: the Three T’s must be done Regularly; weekly is best. Okay. It’s an “R” not a “T”.  A good marriage and family counselor or coach can also help.

Many people, especially men, are reluctant to use counseling.  To be sure, counseling is not for everyone.  If you do decide to at least try out some relationship or family counseling, keep these “how to” suggestions in mind:
1.Talk with your counselor about your hesitation to use counseling.
2.Take it a few sessions at a time. Don’t commit to an indefinite course of marriage or family therapy.
3. At the end of the time you agreed to do counseling, do a review and evaluation with your counselor and others involved (your spouse or kids) and see what the consensus is as to the progress  made.
4. Be realistic. Set goals that are achievable and not utopian in nature. Changes in marriages and relationships happen over time. They grow into existence rather than pop into existence by a magic wand in the hands of your counselor.
5. If it makes sense to do so, take the next series of sessions with measurable goals in mind. Repeat this process until an agreed upon ending is reached.

Marriage and family counseling is being increasingly used by Kansas City schools, parents and spouses because it works to solve problems quickly and return people to full functioning lives.